I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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