you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
