we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
