So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
