you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
