apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
