We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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