Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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