She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
