sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
