she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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