i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i think i have two assholes
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
