Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
my liver is dry heaving
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