Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
