i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
