you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
