Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
