Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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