I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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