Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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