when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
