i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
