I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
