I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
