I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
