You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
