True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
