I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
