i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
