remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
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he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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