Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Randomize
