it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
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sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
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In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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