This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
