I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
