i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
