May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
