Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
try to milk me bitch
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
