Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
