youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
