we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
