You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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