There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
