I just cut my nipple shaving
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
