I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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