It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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