One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
