our cab driver is having phone sex.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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