Four minutes until I can fart!
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
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There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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