My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
