No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
