just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
not ubering you a puppy
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
