It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
