I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
