My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
