And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Randomize
