WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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