Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
