i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
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Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
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There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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