I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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