Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
only if we run a train.
done.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
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Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
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He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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