Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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